Newsflash

NEWSFLASH!!!!!

The crisis regarding the ship containing 50,000 Australian ship in the Persian Gulf has been resolved.

The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and re-named 'The Love Boat'.

Cheers!

[Jocool]

OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH BOY!!!

Wait for the barrage trouty!!!

ahahahahaaha...now theres a post by trouty I like to read...short, sharp and god damn funny!

Dave

[Jocool]

LOL...me an u may find it funny....but we arent KIWI!!!

What do you call a Kiwi Farmer with a truck load of lambs?

A Pedophile

Pimp Daddy! lol

[Richo]

NZ - The home of big trout.................

Heres one of my all time favs,

INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the .S. "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

________________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy DohDohDohDoh, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.

I hope that’s the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.

__________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

___________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beamless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting DohDohDohDoh-faced from all the beer.

__________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. DohDohDohDohDoh is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

___________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I DohDohDohDoh myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like DohDohDohDoh to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report

hehehe

Richo,

Mate, that was f^(&i^g hilarious! I was bloody crying with laughter.

Top joke.

cheers

Now look what you started, Trouty

Samurai (stops rolling around the floor from laughter)

Q. Why was'nt Christ born in Victoria?

A. Because he could'nt find three wise men and a virgin

[Bear]

For all you older computer people, this will bring back a few memories.


ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store: Can I help you?

[Bear]

Just had a week of jury duty and couldn't resist this one.

> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Virginia. He shot and
> dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
> fence.
>
> As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
> tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
> The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
> I'm going to retrieve it."
>
> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
> here."
>
> The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
> country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
> everything you own."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
> disputes in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this with
> the West Virginia Three Kick Rule."
>
> The lawyer asked, "What is the West Virginia Three Kick Rule!!!"
>
> The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I
> kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and
> forth until someone gives up."
>
> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
> he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
> custom.
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
> attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work
> boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second
> kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The
> barrister
> was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him
> face-first
> into a fresh cow pie.
>
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
> Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
> Now it's my turn."
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck".

[Dave W]

While we're at it

WARNING CRUDE MATERIAL FOLLOWING YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED (Someone else better make the call to moderate if nessessary )

THIS IS THE CODE...
1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, crayfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the NRL, Super 12, AFL, Cricket, PGA, NBL, and Supercar series. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you're hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherf@cker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware...or keep that sh*t to yourself,you flamming faggot!

9. If your name is Timothy then stop living in denial. You're an ass puncher from way back and everyone knows it.

[torvic]

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood - all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays it's original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes.

No wonder men are happy!